


Body trouble

by Rubixfox



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski, Witcher - Fandom
Genre: Body Swap AU, Gen, Geralt with long hair and no beard, Just enjoy, Post-Blood and Wine (The Witcher 3 DLC), Post-The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt, The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt, Witcher AU, a story after all the happenng in witcher 3 game, but he's keeping his own witcher life mostly, he's visiting Yen when he possibly can, yen and triss living their lives etc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:13:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22819843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rubixfox/pseuds/Rubixfox
Summary: Geralt and Jaskier being on the wrong place at the wrong time. Thanks to a rare encounter with a fleeing sorceress, they both ended up in the wrong bodies.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	1. Realizing the problem

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy reading, as i would say. the title and summary says it all

‘‘What the fuck….. where the fuck are we?“

It was a beautiful morning, the sun almost reached its highest point of the day. The wind brought the seed from the dandelions to their new destination in a meadow full of high grass that could tickle your ankles. Buttercups and violets sprouting from the ground.

In the middle of the meadow you could notice two bodies, laying quite uncomfortable next to a campfire. The fire still flickering in the broad daylight.

"My head fucking hurts. Jaskier? Jaskier!” Geralt shouted as he tried to sit up, without realizing what actually was going on.

“What do you want, Geralt? Just let me sleep for five minutes more, I beg you. I was lost in the middle of a wonderful dream.” Jaskier grunted and rolled from his back, his current position, on his side facing away from the campfire.

“Why do I feel so weird.” He didn’t even noticed the change of his voice, but neither did Jaskier.

“Don’t ask me, Geralt. Go back to sleep, maybe that’s why you’re feeling weird. Give your body more rest, maybe it will appreciate you more.” Jaskier mumbled waving his hand up.

Geralt rolled his eyes.

“Maybe you’re right…” he mumbled and looked down, at his hands. He suddenly realized that he wasn’t wearing his gloves. But that’s wasn’t the only thing he realized, his hands clean…. no scars and a ring around both of his ring fingers. Something wasn’t right.

“Jaskier.”

“Geralt.” Jaskier answered annoyed.

“Where did you get that golden ring? The one with the silver outline?” Geralt asked calmly, yet with a hint of panic in his voice.

“That’s a long story, not worth talking about. Why do you ask now?”

“Cause it’s around my finger and I have not seen it earlier.”

Suddenly Jaskier sat up.

“What do you mean?”

“Dammit, Jaskier. You know exactly what I mean! What exactly happen to us yesterday? I can’t recall anything, but this actually means that we are in trouble. Big time!” Geralt looked at Jaskier, well actually he looked at himself. Jaskier apparently seem to be frozen, not moving as he stared at Geralt.

“You gotta be kidding me.” Geralt sighed.

The answer Geralt was aiming for, had a simple solution. Both him and Jaskier encountered a powerful sorceress on their way to Novigrad. The sorceress seemed to be chased by witch hunters and she thought that the Witcher was there to stop her from running and without thinking she casts a spell on the witcher and the bard to swap bodies. After the swap succeeded, she created a portal and pushed them both inside. 

And that’s how they ended up in the middle of nowhere.

“So this is how it actually feels to feel nothing at all.” Jaskier said, kinda surprised after Geralt slapped him back into existence. “How do you deal with it." 

"It’s not that I don’t feel anything, Jaskier. My emotions are tuned down, it helps me with making non rational decis…. What the hell are you doing, Jaskier?” Geralt raised a brow as Jaskier pulled out the hair tie, that held only a partial of Geralt’s hair together, and used it to make a ponytail of his white long hair.

“Your hair is annoying. It’s the only way to make sure nothing of it ends up in my mouth. Besides, I’m sure you will cut off my hand if I touch your hair with a scissor.”

“I definitely will and Jaskier.”

“Yes, Geralt?”

“Monsters behind you.” Geralt pointed at a few Ghouls that started to appear behind him.

“So what? You’re the monster hunter." 

"You are in possession of my swords and my mutations at this very moment. I probably can’t even lift a sword with your puny body, so if you don’t do anything we are both going to die and this isn’t exactly how I imagined to die!” Geralt growled. 

“But…." 

"No fucking buts, Jaskier! They’re are Ghouls so just grab my silver sword, the one on the right of your shoulder and just start hitting them, just don’t let them grab you, they won’t let go." 

"I’m so not made for this kind of lifestyle.” Jaskier mumbled and grabbed the sword which geralt told him to grab. The ghouls started running towards him and Jaskier started trembling, almost dropping the sword on the ground. 

“Geralt, a little help please? I can’t possibly do this on my own.” Jaskier whined. 

“Fine, As long you do what I say. Just whatever you do, don’t drop your sword! You’re a Witcher now, the most important thing is to keep moving. Be concentrated and don’t let the fear take you. Also, keep them away from your bo… I mean me. All I can do is basically roll away and I expect that won’t even be that easy as I think.”

And so Geralt guided the bard, in his body, through the fight. There were just three Ghouls, normally no problem from the Witcher, but for Jaskier three too many. It's not like Jaskier was doing terrible, he hits the monster like he was slapping the dust off a carpet but at least he tried. 

Jaskier couldn’t defeat all the Ghouls at once, so Geralt used Jaskier's lute to distract a few, by slapping them on their head. 

“Be careful with that!” Jaskier commented, using the silver sword to cut down on one of the Ghouls neck. The sword tears the muscles and bones apart from the body. Finally killing the first one after 10 minutes of literally petting the Ghouls instead of fighting them.

“It’s nice for you to worry about your most precious item you own but instead of focusing on that, you can also focus on the fact that I’m stuck with limited energy.” Geralt said, using the lute to protect his face from a ghoul that tackled him and now tried to bite and claw his face. 

‘’Oh, right!’’ Jaskier said, jumping over the lifeless body from the headless Ghoul and rushed over to Geralt, without noticing the third Ghoul standing behind him. Slowly, the monster stalked it’s prey, almost without any sound except from the flowers being crushed underneath its feet. 

Geralt even noticed it, without his superhuman hearing. ‘’Jaskier! Behind you!’’ Geralt yelled and Jaskier turned around abruptly. The ghoul roars, unshedding his hideous mouth filled with sharp teeth and suddenly charged again towards the bard in the Witchers body.

Suddenly Jaskier needed to choose. Geralt first? Or the ghoul charging towards him. But why does he need to choose? He’s a Witcher for god’s sake. So he turned back towards Geralt and kicked the Ghoul away from. than he turned back to the other ghoul but it was faster than Jaskier and leaped towards the bard, biting down in his arm. Jaskier yelped in pain and dropped his sword in surprise.

With Geralt being finally freed from the ghoul, he rushed towards Jaskier and tried to pick up the silver sword. It was a way too heavy for him but adrenaline rushed through his veins and with the last of his remaining energy, he lifted the sword above his head and cuts the Ghoul’s body in two. After that he dropped the sword in the ground, but he himself also dropped on the ground. 

‘’Are you okay, Geralt?’’ Jaskier asked and tried to shake the ghoul off his arm. 

‘’I’m fine…’’ He huffed. ‘’Just… turn around, close… your eyes and think of casting fire… point your right hand towards it…. The rest will follow, don’t stop until it stops… moving.’’ Geralt Said while breathing heavily.

Jaskier nodded and turned back to the last Ghoul. That one wasn’t moving and just staring at them both. ‘’How does that work…’’ Jaskier mumbled an looked at his right hand while thinking about the fire. His hand started sparkling and looked at the ghoul, the Ghoul yelped and started running away. 

‘’Ha!’’ Jaskier said excited but didn’t noticed that a flame appeared on his hand and because of the excitement, the flame grew bigger, almost setting his own hair and face, on fire. 

‘’I prefer not to walk around with hair that’s been burn off.’’ Geralt said, he regained a bit of his energy by laying down for a few minutes. ‘’You’re, with no doubt, the worse Witcher, well not the worst, Lambert is the worst, I have seen in my entire life.’’ 

‘’I don’t know if that’s supposed to be compliment or not. And how’s life now you’re a normal human, without the mutations and all.’’ Jaskier replied and reached out towards Geralt with his hand so he could grab it.

‘’I took everything back about being a Witcher. It’s terrible to be a normal human with normal appetite and normal need of sleep. Or is it just you?’’ Geralt jests and a grimm appeared across his face. 

“Wow that’s harsh, Geralt…..” Jaskier said, slightly offended but changed the subject faster than a hare could say ‘Boo’. “… I never felt so great before. I did all that and I don’t even feel tired, in fact, I don’t even feel anything. But I’m happy, but I don’t feel happy. How does that even work?” Jaskier said.

“Don’t ask me, I’m barely 100 years old and I don’t even understand it.” Geralt grabs the hand Jaskier offers him and Jaskier easily pulled him back on his feet.

“By the way, you owe me money if you damaged my lute.” Jaskier suddenly said but Geralt didn’t respond to that, in fact, he’s being distracted by his surroundings.

“Ever seen a landscape like this before?”

“Not around Novigrad or Velen.” Jaskier looked down. “Most of these flowers are found in Toussaint." 

Geralt sighed.

"We’re in even more trouble than before. Toussaint is the last place you want to be, especially when you’re inside the body of a Witcher. We need to find either Yennefer or Triss. But as far as I know, Yennefer is in Novigrad, Our original destination. As for Tiss… I have no clue.”

“Wait, are we really in Toussaint? That’s like… a few days ride away from Novigrad.” Jaskier looked around. The mountain like terrain around them was full of flowers. “And why exactly did Ghouls attack us here? We don’t smell like death people, maybe I, and with me i mean you, do..” Jaskier asked.

“Use your nose.” Geralt pointed behind him. “Does that satisfy your answer?”

There was a cemetery down the hill, several fresh bodies been digged up by a few other Ghouls, that smell, death and rotten flesh, attracted the other three Ghouls.

“Okay, ew. No. That’s disgusting.” Jaskier quickly covers his nose. “That does indeed.”

“We need to try avoid travelling by night. Vampires are mostly active at night and I really don’t want to fight on in this state, that will be both our dead” Geralt said and started walking to the highest point of the hill.. “I’m not used having limited stamina, so that will be a thing as well..”

“Don’t you think we should get a horse? Roach ain’t here so.. I know something, let’s go to the city and ask if we can stay at a room for a night at a brothel or something. Maybe we can take a drink there or something.” Jaskier said, grabbing the silver sword from the ground. 

“If we want to survive this entire joke, I need to learn you some tricks. Something not too hard. I’ll get a light sword from the blacksmith, than I’ll show you some simple moves. I don’t think you can handle the more difficult moves. " 

"Well at least you didn’t lose your sense of humor when we swapped minds.” Jaskier grumbled, trying to shove the silver sword back where it belongs. Geralt didn’t try to laugh when he noticed that Jaskier struggled with a simple thing like that.. 

‘’The city, Beauclair, isn’t far. Let’s go, i do hope we won’t cross anymore monster because that fight was a disaster.’’ 

‘’Well, it wasn’t too bad.’’

‘’Jaskier, no, it was terrible.’’ Geralt corrected him. 

‘’Even with emotions you’re still as heartless as ever.’’ Jaskier replied, but he didn’t mind. he’s used to it and he knows that deeply inside, the Witcher truly cares about the bard. 

Geralt decided not to say anything and started walking, Jaskier followed him. Towards the Beauclair, where surely the journey didn’t end but it just barely started.


	2. A break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Afer realizing the situation both ended up in, they decided to to take a break, stumbling upon an old friend.

"Are you sure you can handle the second one, little one."   
"Pretty sure."

Geralt and Jaskier finally arrived at Beauclair's famous pub, from the hill they were standing, it looked pretty close but they didn't count the little river they needed to cross, besides, the bridge that was on the other side of the fucking world, as Geralt claimed. The poor Witcher was getting tired, he never felt tired before In his entire life so at some point he refused to walk any further or he was going to throw a fit. So Jaskier had no other choice than to carry him on his back. 

Jaskier could feel countless of eyes stabbing in his back when he did so. Because why would the witcher, well actually a bard, carry a person on his back? Especially as it depends on Geralt, he certainly would never do that. 

Heck no. Geralt would leave Jaskier behind for all he care.

They also agreed both not to tell anyone about the body swap, on their way through the city. So they both needed to act way out of their head. And if that wasn't already hard enough in a city were Geralt was well known by most of its citizen. 

Geralt grunted, he was in dire need for some ale but the bartender keep small talking the poor man, almost so much that Geralt was in the mood to punch the man in the middle of his face, breaking his nose. That would definitely satisfy him, since he was even more grumpy than he normal used to be, like Jaskier says so. 

"Don't think of 60 ways of breaking his nose, Geralt. It isn't worth it." Jaskier whispers. "You're a stranger here, it's not like they're going to forgive you for it. Besides, think about my reputation as well."

"You can talk easy." Geralt murmeld softly. "I'm fucking stuck in your non mutated body, so do you expect me not to be angry?." He angrily took a sip from the ale the bartender finally gave him. "Do you also expect me to play your fucking lute and sing?"

"My alcohol tolerance isn't that high either so you should calm down with you drinking beer." Jaskier sat with his legs crossed, playing with the glass of wine he wiggles between two of his fingers.

"Why do you act so calmly?!"

"Why are you acting so emotionally?"

They both stopped talking for awhile as Jaskier stared Geralt In the eyes. The bard noticed that Geralt was sweating, his hands were shaking and his brown hair partially covered his eyes. 

Geralt was either nervous or he was simply hungry, that's what Jaskier concluded. But Jaskier knew the Witcher good enough, too good actually. Geralt wasn't one to be nervous at times like this, no. He's probably hungry since they didn't eat, since they woke up, and he probably didn't recognized the hungry feeling.

Oh, he wasn't drunk as well. Jaskier's alcohol tolerance isn't indeed that high but also not THAT low. 

"What." Geralt said, the silence between them both was getting awkward especially when the bartender stopped with washing his dishes to look at them both as well.

"Give the brat something to eat. He's not feeling good." Jaskier turned to the staring bartender. "Something of the menu, he doesn't care."

Geralt growled but Jaskier ignored the grunts of protests from the man. 

"If you want to survive these days, than you should eat regularly. That's all." 

"As long you don't act stupid. We're in Beauclair, I have a reputation, also among the higher vampires." Geralt looked down at the food. A croissant filled with cheese, I guess.

"Trust me, Geralt, we'll figure it out." Jaskier finished his glass of wine and watched how Geralt shoved the croissant inside his mouth.

\----

"Do mind your back! And keep moving, you need to be swift on all sides or the enemy will surprise you and attack you on your blind sides." 

The next morning the sun arose just above the horizon. Geralt decided to get up early, so he could avoid contact with anyone in the city. Sadly, he dragged Jaskier along him and forced him into practicing him with some of his sword tricks. 

"Geralt, just because I look puny in your eyes, doesn't mean I can't handle a sword." Jaskier said and lifted his sword at shoulder height, basically copying what he sees from Geralt when he's fighting, carefully walking forwards and struck, the poor tree, with a angle of forty degrees. 

"Your fighting with Ghouls yesterday told me otherwise."

"It was the pressure!" Jaskier mumbled and catches a wooden sword when Geralt threw him one. 

"Than show me." Geralt simply retorted. "And don't hold back."

"Are we really going to do this?"

Geralt was the first one to strike. His sword suddenly came from above, probably aimed for his neck, luckily Jaskier was fast enough to dodge the blow.

"Lesson 1, almost the most important one, don't talk. A lot of people intend to do that, they get distracted and easier to hurt." Geralt said and Jaskier jumped back. He didn't move and waited for Geralt to land his second strike, but he as well didn't move. 

So Jaskier decided to be the first one to move, his sword ready to strike but Geralt already jumped aside, ready to attack Jaskier's back. As one of Geralt's common moves, at his own fights, Jaskier recognized it and quickly turned around and easily dodged by clashing their swords together. 

"Expect the unexpected." Jaskier said, quickly removing his sword, breaking the contact with Geralt's and used his foot to 'gently' kick Geralt away from him.

"Act quickly, but not recklessly." Geralt responded, making sure he didn't trip over his own feet when he got kicked back. The move distracted geralt and didn't noticed that jaskier was already charging towards him. But Geralt wasn't too late to act quickly, he simply raises raises his sword in the air to block Jaskier's sword impact.once they clashed swords again, Geralt uses his leg to tackle Jaskier, making sure Jaskier lost his balance. 

Jaskier's knee touched the ground and Geralt moved quickly behind him, quickly grabbing his chin and placed the sword in front of his neck.

"The sword is just a tool." Geralt than whispers in Jaskier's ear.

"Alright, alright. You win, but you must admit....." Jaskier started as Geralt released him. "....I'm not that bad."

"You did quite well, indeed." Geralt admitted and reached out to Jaskier and pulled him up on his own Two feet, as far as he could with his strength. 

"Ooh, did you just give me a compliment?" Jaskier smirked.

"My, my..." 

Someone suddenly said, someone approaching them from the side

"Did I just witness a fight where the white wolf lost for the first time in front of my own eyes? From a bard?" 

Geralt recognized the voice immediately. 

"Regis." He mumbled.

"This is not the Geralt I know, unless someone possessed him."

"Who?" Jaskier asked.

"I am Regis, that's true. But how would someone I don't know, knows my name?" Regis said, suddenly appearing next to them. Giving Jaskier quite the scare.

"What the actually hell?" Jaskier shouted and jumped away, losing his balance and fell backwards in the grass.

"Excuse him. He's a bit..... not used to any... of this." Geralt tried to explain something, anything.

"Geralt."

"Regis."

"why exactly are you stuck inside the body of a bard. Don't fool me, I'm not stupid. Did you quarrel with a vile witch?"

"Believe me, Regis. If I know I would've told you." Geralt sighed. "It's a terrible situation. Jaskier's stuck in my body now, he's my best friend, we've been traveling together for a while now."

"The famous bard of Novigrad? It's an honor. I really like your ballads" Regis said de looked at the Witcher's body containing Jaskier.

"Novigrad, Velen, Kovir and all around. I won't stop until the entire world knows me." Jaskier said, sitting in the grass, legs crossed.

"Jaskier, Regis is my best friend as well. He currently lives around Toussaint. He's a higher vampire and is, softly said, older than me." Geralt explained pulling on the sleeve that curled up while sparring with Jaskier.

"Oh.. I..... it's a honor, sir. Geralt told me many things about you. Only the good things and the adventures you shared with him. He just won't stop talking about you if he gets the change."

"Stop it, Jaskier." Geralt mumbled. 

Regis laughed a little, holding the strap of his satchel with his right hand. "Geralt sure is an interesting fellow if I must say so myself. Geralt, tell me, what are you planning to do? Not everyone's clever as I am, especially not the enemies you made around here."

"I know... we must return back to Novigrad. Yennifer's waiting for us there, two days ago.."

"Bet she must be very grumpy by now. We were supposed to deliver her some herbs from Kovir. She was too busy to get them on her own and Geralt found a rather interesting contract there." Jaskier continued where Geralt ended but didn't seem to care.

"Not only herbs, she also needed poison from an Archgriffin."

"So on the way back, you crossed some angry sorceress and she used a portal to transport you both here, in the wrong bodies." Regis said and Geralt nodded. "But did you fulfill your contract?"

"Yes, a Manticore. It's my first in a decades."

"And you and Yennefer?"

"Regis, aren't you nosy? Close friends, nothing more." Geralt said slightly annoyed. "Why don't you tell us about the situation in Toussaint. Is it safe to travel without crossing ever 5 meters a Necromage or Vampire?"

"No need to worry about Detlaff, He's fine and calmed down. About Anna Henrietta, she's probably still angry and it's for the better you don't cross her path."

"Figures and Regis?"

"Yes, Geralt?"

"We need some horses, can't you get them for us? We really need to set our way back to Novigrad. If we don't swap back to our bodies soon,who knows what kind of trouble we'll run into."

'Will do. Besides, won't Yennefer go out and look for you two?" He asked curiously. 

"I doubt it." Geralt mumbles.

Without any exchange of words, Regis transformed Into fog and made his way downtown. 

Jaskier looked at Geralt and walked towards him. 

"You learned me some tricks of you, now it's time you learned some tricks of me."

"Believe me, Jaskier. I don't need your woman advice, I have seen your work, it's just plain terrible."

"Offense taken. I didn't mean that." Jaskier pouted. "I meant playing on my lute. I bet you won't do any better than me and sword fighting. " Jaskier crossed his arms. 

"Really."

"Yes."

\------

‘’You’re hitting the wrong tune again! Geez, Geralt.’’ The bard shouted, after an hour of two playing, and Geralt sighed deep, very deeply. Jaskier tried to teach him how to play his lute, but with Geralt’s body it was an absolute mess. His hands were way too big to play with, even Jaskier couldn’t do it right.

‘’This is growing awfully dull.’’ Geralt mumbled and didn’t even tried to play right.

‘’So you’re admitting that I’m better than you?’’ 

‘’Whatever….’’ 

‘’Gentleman, i've found what you requested, two beautiful mounts. They’ll guide you home without any problems.’’ Regis said as soon he returned with reins in his hands, guiding two pearl white horses.

‘’I’m glad you returned, Regis. I would've died of boredom if this continued any longer.’’ Geralt jumped up and walked towards the horses, reaching his hand out to one of the horses.’’They’re outstanding. How did you get them? Did you steal them from the palace?’’ 

‘’Almost, it’s a story i rather tell when everything is back to normal. Now go, hurry. Who knows what happens if you two stay like this.’’

‘’Thanks, Regis.’ Geralt responded and mounted the horse as did Jaskier. 

‘’Now ride. Oh and also, try not to murder each other among the way.’’

‘’Don’t worry, Regis. I’ll make sure Geralt won’t get hurt’’ 

‘’Shut up, Jaskier.’’ Geralt didn’t wait for Jaskier to get ready and already sprinted off.

‘’Wait for me, jesus!’’ Jaskier yelled and quickly followed the Witcher while Regis waved them goodbye. 

Off they go, their way back to Novigrad. Through unknown and dangerous land, through a swamp known for it dangers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you enjoy the story so far? Please leave a comment and I thank you for coming this far.


End file.
